Thursday, October 4, 2012

It has been way to long my dear friends.

My mom sent this link to me today and it was exactly what I needed to read.  I have been having one of those days where your not sure you want at actually admit it to anyone else because of the fear that your the monster.

I am a member of my local MOPS chapter and today is our meeting day.  My daughter is 16 months old and is going through separation anxiety really really bad, however she loves the kids in her class and she hadn't seen them in a couple of weeks due to being sick and other aspects of life that didn't allow us to make it.  I woke up extra early so that I could get a head start on today since not only did I have to manage to get her to MOPS I was leading the craft project for the day and wanted to set up early.  I was all set.  I had my list out ready to go and I was really moving it this morning.  I wanted to leave the house between 7:45 and 8:15 to make sure that I could get there on time.

And let me tell you I was very successful at doing that today.  I arrived at the church right as the clock on the dashboard turned to 8:30.  I was so proud.  And on top of that I managed to get out of my truck, unload the stroller, get my daughter into her stroller and get all of the stuff (think large box) loaded so that I only needed to make one trip from our truck.  I was feeling so good.  A little too high of my success.  And trust me it didn't last long.  That short trip which lasted about 45 seconds ended up with my daughter screaming, my ice tea tumbler straw broken and my box on the floor.

I quickly gathered my stuff while a good friend of mine helped me get the rest of the way I had as I comforted my daughter.  I wanted to just hid in a corner.  My daughter wasn't crying because of separation anxiety no she was crying because Mommy hadn't thought about the farmer and the goose.  I went on to lay my stuff down all the while thinking its going to be okay.  I will get her to her class room and she will go play and it will be like nothing happened. WRONG!!!!!!!

The moment I dropped Sarai off she started screaming and screaming.  She didn't want Mommy to leave.  And like all Mommies I took that walk of shame out of the classroom wondering if I was doing the right thing by leaving her in there.  With my head down and sadness in my heart I walked away, knowing that she was safe and should start having fun any minute.

10 minutes later,  I could still hear her crying over all the other kids in the class.  20 minutes later, I couldn't hear her as much since the room I was in was getting louder but I knew she was still crying. At that point a new mom to our group needed some help getting set up in the childcare area and since her child was NOT in my kid's room I felt safe to show her the ropes.  However as I walked past Sarai's room I could see her so red and still crying.  I felt like I had no chance but to take her with me.

I know that I am a good mom, however today I did not feel like a good mom.  I felt resentful.  Now please do not take this the wrong way.  I love my daughter more then anything in this world.  However today I wanted to be selfish.  I want 2 hours where I could gather with some mommy friends and relax.  I wanted to recharge my batteries that were so desperately depleted.  I was running on fumes.  I needed some adult time and I was really looking forward to showing these women how to make some home made cheap good laundry soap.  I love being frugal! And I love showing how to be frugal.

However after I had to take Sarai with me, I started feeling overwhelmed.  I knew that our group is very understand of having to have kids in the meeting with you and no one was putting any pressure on me.  I attached my friend's BabyHawk Oh Snap! Carrier and away we went.  It was a good hour before Sarai started getting really fussy and wanted down.

All the while I am feeling the invisible pressure of the room that I need to hurry up and settle my baby down. Has anyone else ever felt that way?  Please tell me I am not the only mom to feel like you have a giant spot light on and everyone else is judging your interactions with your child.

Well fast forward 45 minutes and it is now 11:15 and I am trying to get my lunch made and Sarai is running all over the place and actually wanting to go play in the nursery where I couldn't get her to go for the life of me just 20 minutes prior to this.  I am about to lose and trying really hard to keep my cool.  I even ended up having to leave the meeting early just because I felt Sarai was so disruptive and so out of control I was embarrassed.

I get her home, change her diaper and tell her its nap time.  Mommy needs some quiet time and she needed a nap.  As I was getting up to take her to her crib she toddles over to her baby doll and picks her up so excited to see her.  She starts giggling and cooing and giving the baby kisses.  She then brings the baby over to me for me to give her kisses.  This is just making her day.  She at one point looks at the baby doll and gives her a kiss then looks at me with those really cute eyes, mouthful of binkie and gives me a big hug and kiss as if to say "this is what I wanted you to do with me today" I wanted my mommy to be so excited to play with me.  That look from a 16 month old just shot right through my cold hard heart and melted me right away.  I felt so guilty that all my daughter wanted was her mommy to hug her and hold her.  She wanted ME!  She didn't care about playing with the other kids because she wanted to play with her Mommy.  I felt horrible.  Here I was feeling resentful that my daughter wouldn't give me 2 hours and all she wanted was to feel loved by Mommy.

Again don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes there are some aspects that making loving it everyday hard but I wouldn't change my life.  I love being a stay at home mommy even on the days that I am sick with a cold and am fighting cabin fever.  I love my daughter more then anything in this world.  I love the fact that I am her mommy and am sometimes even resentful towards my schedule for not allowing me more time to just run up to her and tickle her and make her laugh.

I know that the whole point of this blog is to help me become the type of wife and mother that is described in Proverbs 31.  And while this particular post is not my insight on a specific verse or idea from the chapter, recognizing my own beliefs and my own values in raising my daughter has a lot to do with that persona I wish to obtain.  I want my daughter to know no matter what her Mommy is always there for her and nothing nor no one should every come between that.

And that is my one step towards becoming a Proverbs 31 Wife for the day.