It has been way to long my dear friends.

My mom sent this link to me today and it was exactly what I needed to read.  I have been having one of those days where your not sure you want at actually admit it to anyone else because of the fear that your the monster.

I am a member of my local MOPS chapter and today is our meeting day.  My daughter is 16 months old and is going through separation anxiety really really bad, however she loves the kids in her class and she hadn't seen them in a couple of weeks due to being sick and other aspects of life that didn't allow us to make it.  I woke up extra early so that I could get a head start on today since not only did I have to manage to get her to MOPS I was leading the craft project for the day and wanted to set up early.  I was all set.  I had my list out ready to go and I was really moving it this morning.  I wanted to leave the house between 7:45 and 8:15 to make sure that I could get there on time.

And let me tell you I was very successful at doing that today.  I arrived at the church right as the clock on the dashboard turned to 8:30.  I was so proud.  And on top of that I managed to get out of my truck, unload the stroller, get my daughter into her stroller and get all of the stuff (think large box) loaded so that I only needed to make one trip from our truck.  I was feeling so good.  A little too high of my success.  And trust me it didn't last long.  That short trip which lasted about 45 seconds ended up with my daughter screaming, my ice tea tumbler straw broken and my box on the floor.

I quickly gathered my stuff while a good friend of mine helped me get the rest of the way I had as I comforted my daughter.  I wanted to just hid in a corner.  My daughter wasn't crying because of separation anxiety no she was crying because Mommy hadn't thought about the farmer and the goose.  I went on to lay my stuff down all the while thinking its going to be okay.  I will get her to her class room and she will go play and it will be like nothing happened. WRONG!!!!!!!

The moment I dropped Sarai off she started screaming and screaming.  She didn't want Mommy to leave.  And like all Mommies I took that walk of shame out of the classroom wondering if I was doing the right thing by leaving her in there.  With my head down and sadness in my heart I walked away, knowing that she was safe and should start having fun any minute.

10 minutes later,  I could still hear her crying over all the other kids in the class.  20 minutes later, I couldn't hear her as much since the room I was in was getting louder but I knew she was still crying. At that point a new mom to our group needed some help getting set up in the childcare area and since her child was NOT in my kid's room I felt safe to show her the ropes.  However as I walked past Sarai's room I could see her so red and still crying.  I felt like I had no chance but to take her with me.

I know that I am a good mom, however today I did not feel like a good mom.  I felt resentful.  Now please do not take this the wrong way.  I love my daughter more then anything in this world.  However today I wanted to be selfish.  I want 2 hours where I could gather with some mommy friends and relax.  I wanted to recharge my batteries that were so desperately depleted.  I was running on fumes.  I needed some adult time and I was really looking forward to showing these women how to make some home made cheap good laundry soap.  I love being frugal! And I love showing how to be frugal.

However after I had to take Sarai with me, I started feeling overwhelmed.  I knew that our group is very understand of having to have kids in the meeting with you and no one was putting any pressure on me.  I attached my friend's BabyHawk Oh Snap! Carrier and away we went.  It was a good hour before Sarai started getting really fussy and wanted down.

All the while I am feeling the invisible pressure of the room that I need to hurry up and settle my baby down. Has anyone else ever felt that way?  Please tell me I am not the only mom to feel like you have a giant spot light on and everyone else is judging your interactions with your child.

Well fast forward 45 minutes and it is now 11:15 and I am trying to get my lunch made and Sarai is running all over the place and actually wanting to go play in the nursery where I couldn't get her to go for the life of me just 20 minutes prior to this.  I am about to lose and trying really hard to keep my cool.  I even ended up having to leave the meeting early just because I felt Sarai was so disruptive and so out of control I was embarrassed.

I get her home, change her diaper and tell her its nap time.  Mommy needs some quiet time and she needed a nap.  As I was getting up to take her to her crib she toddles over to her baby doll and picks her up so excited to see her.  She starts giggling and cooing and giving the baby kisses.  She then brings the baby over to me for me to give her kisses.  This is just making her day.  She at one point looks at the baby doll and gives her a kiss then looks at me with those really cute eyes, mouthful of binkie and gives me a big hug and kiss as if to say "this is what I wanted you to do with me today" I wanted my mommy to be so excited to play with me.  That look from a 16 month old just shot right through my cold hard heart and melted me right away.  I felt so guilty that all my daughter wanted was her mommy to hug her and hold her.  She wanted ME!  She didn't care about playing with the other kids because she wanted to play with her Mommy.  I felt horrible.  Here I was feeling resentful that my daughter wouldn't give me 2 hours and all she wanted was to feel loved by Mommy.

Again don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes there are some aspects that making loving it everyday hard but I wouldn't change my life.  I love being a stay at home mommy even on the days that I am sick with a cold and am fighting cabin fever.  I love my daughter more then anything in this world.  I love the fact that I am her mommy and am sometimes even resentful towards my schedule for not allowing me more time to just run up to her and tickle her and make her laugh.

I know that the whole point of this blog is to help me become the type of wife and mother that is described in Proverbs 31.  And while this particular post is not my insight on a specific verse or idea from the chapter, recognizing my own beliefs and my own values in raising my daughter has a lot to do with that persona I wish to obtain.  I want my daughter to know no matter what her Mommy is always there for her and nothing nor no one should every come between that.

And that is my one step towards becoming a Proverbs 31 Wife for the day.

FLYing in Style

Sink Reflections By Cilley, MarlaI know that the whole point of this blog is about my journey towards living frugally so I figured that I really should point out where I got a lot of my ideas from.  The biggest thing that I have found out that is that as a control freak life can get pretty hectic if I don't put it in manageable bits.  That's where my control journal comes in.

Do we have anyone who is currently living in CHAOS?  Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome?  Guess what you are not alone.  I have lived in CHAOS for years but recently with Sarai turning a year old and realizing that I want her to have her friends to our place sometimes I have really had it on my heart that I needed to get out of the CHAOS.  That's where I found a new system that is actually working for us.

Marla Watson Cilley ~ Otherwise known to me at the FLYLady ~ has truly helped me out in so many ways.  I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for her.  Still living with a lot of clutter and stressed out by it.  I highly recommend her book Sink Reflections. You can find her 31 Beginner Babysteps on her website www.flylady.net.  It has helped me as well as a lot of my friends.

One of the things that she talks about is making a control journal.  Something that keeps everything in one place.  For me it has my daily tasks and weekly tasks, my menu's along with the supply list needed for the week's shopping list and recipes, important papers that I have mailed out but wanted to keep a copy of, my checkbook register with a pouch for keeping all my debit card receipts, blank paper, print outs of all my DIY recipes, and a place to put different things I find that might have a fun activity I want to try with Sarai.  It also has emergency contact information including directions to my house in case there was an emergency so I don't have to try and remember when giving it to the 911 operator.  My journal is completely simple and didn't cost me anything to make.  I take it with me everywhere I go so that I know if I need to pick up anything or go to the store for any reason.

Along with the control journal, I have my week broken down into different themes for each day.  You can adjust your themes to fit your schedule better but for our family this was really simple.

Sunday's are Family Fun days.  These are the days the we got to church and hang out with family in the afternoon.  We also do our laundry and clean our bathrooms this day.

Monday's are Errand Days.  These are the days that if we need to go in town for anything we do it all at once.  I schedule all our doctor appointments for Mondays and we do our shopping on this day.

Tuesday's are Library Days.  These are the days that we get to go over to the library to pick out movies ( We don't have cable and we only have Netflix so sometimes we want to see a more recent movie we rent it from the library.  Its free so it saves us a ton on rentals) Sarai also has physical therapy at our house these days so its a good day for us to stay near home.  We also deep clean our living room this day.

Wednesday's are Pool Days.  Sarai's cousins live in the next town over and they have a pool so we go over there in the afternoons to swim and play with her cousins.  We also clean our kitchen this day.

Thursday's are MOPS Days.  Sarai and I are apart of a MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) group that has a park tour during the summer.  We have a lot of parks in the area that are toddler friendly so we rotate on Thursday mornings doing different free activities. If you are a stay at home mom or any type of mom who has kids home during the day I totally recommend checking out the MOPS website to find a group near you.  Its birth through pre-k and the MOPS group is a wonderful organization created to build up moms and encourage them.  They are also getting ready to start a older kids group for moms with kids in school.  Their website is http://www.mops.org and you can look up by zipcode to find a group near you.  If you are in the Central IL area send me a message and I would love to send you a list of our park play dates so you can join us.
On Thursdays we also go to the store just to pick up fresh produce because it doesn't last as long and we need to refill our supplies.

Friday's are Park Days.   As a family we use this day to walk up to the park and play on the swing set and enjoy the neighborhood. We are clean our bedrooms on this day.

Saturday's are Cooking Days.  Our family along with my mom and dad cook our weeks worth of dinner entrees on Saturday.  We have a 6 week rotation and we do all the cooking in one day.  It's not that bad and saves us a lot of money.  When we get home we then sort laundry and that's it.

Our entire house is deep cleaned once a week without it being too much of a stress on anyone one person.  Now on top of these tasks we have daily things that we do to help keep it in a condition that if someone were to show up unexpected we would be ready for that.

Some of the things that I have learned along my journey towards a frugal life is that you don't have to go without something just to save some money.  If you have a plan you will find that you can save a lot just by thinking it out before hand.

Don't forget the hunt is still on for the most creative frugal handmade gift for this Christmas.